If you allow yourself to become more aware of chivalry, you'll start noticing more and more opportunities to put it on display.  The good news is that it offers men a low cost way to get noticed and admired.

Think about it... some men will dip deep into their bank accounts (or their credit lines) to spring for a fancy car, trendy clothes or expensive watch... largely in an effort to get noticed.  It's a never-ending challenge as they have to keep spending more money to stay ahead of everyone else who is doing the same things.  
Now there's nothing wrong with a beautiful car or great clothes and any man would want to look trig, but an astute guy will realize that how he behaves gets him noticed.  In today's world, chivalry is still so infrequent that it catches the eyes of others powerfully when it happens.  Social media is filled with posts and tweets from women who see it happening or receive it from a man.
It's not that the sole or even main purpose of offering chivalry is simply to get noticed.  That would be disingenuous, and sooner or later people would see through it.  But there's also nothing wrong with admitting that like many of the altruistic things we do as humans, some benefits ascribe to the doer.  So bask in the opportunity for the best aspects of your character to create the image you want. 
Man noticed by women
If you are looking to attract more women into your circle, you could take some of the money you'd spend on that extra-fancy car and put it into yourself.  Take chivalry lessons, learn proper etiquette, take a class on stage presence for making presentations... those things will cost less upfront and pay off much longer.

That will have a long-lasting effect that will outlive the car you buy and the latest trendy clothes.  And if you still want to enhance how you stand out in addition to your great character by also driving a better car or having a more eye-catching watch, more power to you.  Just don't make those the sole ways you look to stand out.

© 2015, John Rasiej, Bring Chivalry Back

If you would like to share this article on your blog or other means, you may reprint it only in its entirety, include the photo and the following attribution:
Picture
John Rasiej is a Chivalry and Relationship Expert who founded Bring Chivalry Back™ for the purpose of enhancing the quality and enjoyment of relationships by men and women. He rediscovered the value of chivalry several years ago and has been practicing it both in his marriage of 24 years as well as when he's been among groups made up largely of women. Chivalry and similar gestures resulted in a more satisfying marital relationship and life, and also helped him stand out to many women in those group. He now shares the value of chivalry with more men and couples so they too can have happier results. You can follow him and get a special report how to deepen relationships and attract a woman's admiration at BringChivalryBack.com.  You can follow him on twitter at @YesToChivalry.

 
 
When I began this site and this blog, I also created a presence on social media, on facebook, pinterest and twitter.  It's fun to connect with people and find out what they're thinking.  It's what I see on twitter that has me wondering about the state of the union in terms of men and women.
When I see posts about the positive nature of chivalry, or posts from women who ask where they might find men who offer it, responses often range from negative to outright vile.  I understand that the anonymous nature of comments on the Internet allow an unfiltered flood of comments, but that's precisely my point.  The unfiltered opinions as so hateful.  How come so many men hold on to a position where they approach life as if women are the enemy and are trying to take things away from men?
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Men will respond that women killed chivalry with their demands for equal rights, or that women walk all over guys who treat them nicely.  If they wrote it as a straightforward comment perhaps it could be of service in creating some dialogue but all too many comments devolve into calling women b**ches, h**s or worse.  It's with anger and hate that these men talk abut women.  So how do these men expect women to respond back?

Unless all these men are gay, which doesn't seem to be their case, it would seem that they would generally want to end up with a woman at some point in time for some sort of interaction.  If that's the theory, what does it say about these guys if they are chasing after these same people they consider to be b**ches or h**s?  If what you seek is so low on the scale, you are saying something about yourself and your own standards.


Woan yelling her position
Before this seems like a rant against men who have angry comments toward women, the fairer sex doesn't always uphold the highest approach either.  Posts from women will make vile accusations against men as well.  Some will use outright profanity when talking about men who don't offer chivalry to them.  Others will use profanity or other crass name-calling to berate men who want to offer chivalry to them. 

For the women who would like to receive some nicer treatment, how could using profanity in their questions possibly be seen as the ladylike behavior that would attract positive attention from a gentleman?  To me it shows a crass side that reveals an unpleasant and unattractive aspect of the woman's character.
For the women opposed to chivalry with the view that it demeans them, if the aim is to get men to understand, does telling them to crawl back under rocks engender men listening or just getting defensive?
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We live in times when there are all kinds of challenges for people, where relationships are not always easy to start or maintain, and where there are larger issues to life thnt whether a man opens a door for a woman.  Wouldn't both men and women benefit by seeing each other as parts of solutions and being able to come together in respectful and rational ways as opposed to retreating to opposing sides and resorting to warfare against the opposite gender?  We have many common reasons to want things better for each of us, why not see us as uniting instead of battling?

It's the only way things get better for both: for women and for men.
 
 
K. Steve Rasiej 1926-2015
My father passed away this past Sunday.  That may seem like an odd way to start a blog post about chivalry but I hope you'll stay with me.

This was a man who was born in Poland, trained for the Royal Air Force in England during World War II after his homeland had been invaded and devastated, had married in London and then immigrated to the United States where he built a successful career as a professional electrical engineer, fathered three boys and two girls and lived a life of class and style.

When he was with women you could see there was an enjoyment of the grace and style that exuded class.  Once of the specific things I recall to this day is that at the end of dinner parties in our home, as he was saying goodbye to the guests, each woman got her hand kissed.  That moment always stood out as something special, and it was one of the things that set him apart.

The women always seemed to respond with the same kind of grace, and it gave each party a beautiful and memorable finishing touch of elegance.

That class and elegance were something you could see mattered to him.  It extended to the ballroom dancing he would do when attending a formal Polish ball, dressed to the nines.  The way he danced with my mother on the dance floor was always a loving pairing.  Yet it also extended to when he would dance with other women at the dances, including the young woman I escorted to some of these formal balls, his future daughter-in-law, my wife Luisa.


All those little touches made him stand out.  He was a model of classy behavior and could always be counted upon to make sure things were done as properly as can be.  I am grateful to have been able to see his focus on how to interact in public, something I am sure had to do with a European upbringing as well as coming to the U.S. in need of being able to succeed.

Chivalry isn't a stand-alone action, something separate from what defines a man, It's a choice and an extension of how he chooses to live his life.  How he chooses to treat others.  And as such how he chooses
to feel about himself.  It adds class and elegance to one's comportment and leaves a mark that's memorable.

Thanks, Tatu
ś, for instilling in me even a fraction of the strong character with which you lived.




 
 
Thumbs down
Let's face it.  Not every day is automatically ideal.  We're not always feeling at the top of our game.  When things get bogged down, our ego can take a bit of a hit.  Maybe we don't feel quite as fulfilled, successful and special as we'd like.  When that happens it can drag us down and keep us at less than our best, sometimes at a time when there's a big opportunity, whether it's a sales presentation that means business success, or wanting to ask out someone special for a date.  Rather than let that ego dip drag us down, wouldn't it be great to do something to build yourself back up?

Recently I was in New York City out at dinner with my wife before heading to a Broadway show.  We were dining next to a table of five women celebrating a birthday (coincidentally it was my wife's birthday as well).   The age range at their table was from the early 20s to the 50s.  My wife and the woman celebrating her birthday had a bit of conversation, congratulating each other, and we all returned to our own meals and celebrations.
As the other table started getting set to leave, I stood up to offer help the ladies with their coats.  The women took note of me rising when they did and it became the subject of excited discussion, sharing remarks on how pleasant it was for them to have a man stand from the table when women do, offer chivalry and how you rarely see it done any more.  The positive comments, smiles and exuberance came from all the women, so it wasn't simply the older women who may have remembered chivalry as a more common gesture.  Even the younger women responded with enthusiasm.
The attention was striking.  I was not looking for anything to happen with any of the women at the table, I am completely enamored with my wife, but the reaction gave me a stronger sense of being noticed.  Being appreciated.  Standing out from many of the other guys these women might encounter.  For lack of a better term, my ego felt puffed up.
It made me feel more self-assured on the spot, made me smile inside.  I was not looking for anything to "happen" with any of the women at the table, this wasn't any kind of come-on, I am completely enamored with my wife.  But the reaction gave me a stronger sense of being a distinctive gentleman, someone who stood out from the crowd of the many men out there these women encounter. 
That sense of standing out was a powerful elixir. I'd done something to brighten the day of some women I just happened to meet, and it ended up brightening my own.  When we left, I felt taller, walked with a bit more lilt in my step.  And found out I'd touched a sense of pride in me by my wife as well.
So when your ego could use a boost, when you're looking for something that'll give you more self-assurance, dip into your gestures of chivalry and offer some.  Whatever it does for the woman, it'll be just as flattering in the way you see yourself.
© 2015, John Rasiej, Bring Chivalry Back

If you would like to share this article on your blog or other means, you may reprint it only in its entirety, include the photo and the following attribution:


John Rasiej
John Rasiej is a Chivalry and Relationship Expert who founded Bring Chivalry Back™ for the purpose of enhancing the quality and enjoyment of relationships by men and women. He rediscovered the value of chivalry several years ago and has been practicing it both in his marriage of 24 years as well as when he's been among groups made up largely of women. Chivalry and similar gestures resulted in a more satisfying marital relationship and life, and also helped him stand out to many women in those group. He now shares the value of chivalry with more men and couples so they too can have happier results. You can follow him and get a special report how to deepen relationships and attract a woman's admiration at BringChivalryBack.com.  You can follow him on twitter at @YesToChivalry.

 
 
When it comes to chivalry, the gestures themselves are not really that complicated nor difficult.  They are small rituals that don't generally involve a lot of strength, a lot of time.  Yet in the day-to-day rush we often find ourselves it can get easy to overlook one. I do it myself more frequently than I'd like and I remain focused on becoming more consistent.  So what's the key?
It's important to remember that the things on which you focus expand. That goes for areas such as wealth and abundance, good health and so on.   And it relates to the attitude and perception you bring to your choices of behavior.

An awareness of the circumstances around you and sensing opportunities for chivalry will likewise deepen how much impact it has for you.  Giving it a notch more attention will likely lead to a bit more frequency with ease, develop better habits and result in more times that someone notices what we're doing by offering it.
The public notice is important because you aren't just doing chivalry for yourself.  It also has a ripple effect onto those around you.  Young men of today are faced with role models that don't always send the best messages.  Imagine how helpful it could be for positive behavior to get seen more broadly to counter some of that negative the kids are facing.

Furthermore, by increasing your awareness to notice opportunities you can be supportive and helpful in chivalrous ways will also strengthen your awareness of opportunities to be of service in ways beyond chivalry.  That takes the practice of chivalry from a nice gesture into a state-of-being that can add to any gentleman's self esteem and the way he is perceived by others.

So make a pledge to take a quick pause every so often when you're on your way to or from work or heading out on a date and bring your awareness up.  Watch how easy it gets.
 
 
List of resolutions
It's the time of year when all sorts of people are giving all sorts of advice for making New Year's resolutions.  The most common ones seem to be about losing weight and getting in shape.  Others have to do with being better organized, whether about things or about finances.  

How about a resolution for chivalry?

It's a great time to resolve to be more chivalrous in the coming year!  That can work for anyone at any range of the "chivalry spectrum'" (meaning whether you're already being chivalrous often or whether it would be a brand new concept for you).
Young gentleman opening door
If you're not already doing chivalry as a matter of course, how about a resolution to do just one gesture consistently?  Perhaps choose to offer to open doors for women, including opening her car door before you come around to the other side (and opening hers again when you arrive at your destination).  Another place to start may be offering to help her on with her coat.

If you're already doing some chivalrous gestures, how about a resolution to expand your repertoire?  When I started practicing, it wasn't as if I had all the possibilities nailed right off the bat.  I got good at opening doors and pulling out chairs, but it was a while later that I got into the habit of standing at the table when a woman rises.  There may be gestures that would add more style and distinctiveness to what you do.  Why not resolve to add them this year?

Woman standing on crowded train
It could even be to expand your gestures to more people.  Perhaps you're used to being chivalrous just to your girlfriend or wife.  Why not make this the year of offering chivalry to more women in public situations?  Perhaps resolve to be aware of offering your seat to a woman when she's standing on a crowded train or bus.  

If you want some ideas on ways you can be more chivalrous, drop me an email and we can schedule a chat to see what I may suggest for you!

So how about it: "I resolve to be more chivalrous in 2015."  Easier than you may think, and the results may be bigger than you realize. 
© 2014, John Rasiej, Bring Chivalry Back
If you would like to share this article on your blog or other means, you may reprint it only in its entirety, include the photo and the following attribution:
Picture
John Rasiej is a Chivalry and Relationship Expert who founded Bring Chivalry Back™ for the purpose of enhancing the quality and enjoyment of relationships by men and women. He rediscovered the value of chivalry several years ago and has been practicing it both in his marriage of 24 years as well as when he's been among groups made up largely of women. Chivalry and similar gestures resulted in a more satisfying marital relationship and life, and also helped him stand out to many women in those group. He now shares the value of chivalry with more men and couples so they too can have happier results. You can follow him and get a special report how to deepen relationships and attract a woman's admiration at BringChivalryBack.com.  You can follow him on twitter at @YesToChivalry.

 
 
With the Thanksgiving season around, issues of gratitude come to the forefront.  I got to thinking a bit about the issue of a man being thanked for chivalry.  Is it mandatory on the part of the woman?  Desirable?  Helpful?  What should a gentleman do if thanks are not offered?  

I was recently interviewed on a BBC radio program hosted by popular host Graham Torrington, dealing with the issue of chivalry and whether it's dead. 
Graham mentioned that if he holds the door for a woman and she doesn't acknowledge the gesture he will sometimes call after her and say something to the effect of "the word you're looking for is 'thank you.' "  

 
 
Pitcher throwing ball
If you're into sports, you've likely heard the term "short-arming the ball."  If not, what it means is not using a full extension of your arm when you are making a pitch, throwing a football etc.  The reason athletes want to avoid "short-arming" the ball is that it causes a loss in distance and velocity.  It's less effective.  Coaches will work with those athletes to help them get more extension and a greater range of motion in their throwing attempts, so they attain more speed and accuracy. 

There's an equivalent to short-arming when it comes to chivalry.  For some guys there's a degree of uncertainty.  Do they really want to do it?  Does she really want it?  Do I look too formal or out-of-place?  What ends up happening for some men is that they pull back and offer something that looks chivalrous but isn't fully extended.  That results in a gesture that looks awkward or not elegant, and it renders the act less effective.


 
 
Sometimes things hit you between the eyes.  That happened for me recently when I attended an event at the Stamford Yacht Club.  The observation happened as I was going to the restroom!

At first it was just something I noticed.  But then I realized how
this one thing could have big repercussions.

What I saw on the door struck me.  The sign read 'Gentlemen.'  That's not the word you typically see on a restroom door nowadays.  Usually there's just the plain word "men."  Or in other cases the iconic avatar of an amorphous male figure so that words aren't even needed.  No, the word here was  'gentlemen.' 

 
 
When I read my twitter feed or search for tweets on #Chivalry, there are a steady stream of complaints.  Not just from women.  From men too. 
Some women tweet about how rare chivalry is and how disappointed they are in men nowadays.  How no man stood up on the bus or train to offer a seat to a woman.  How someone let a door hit them rather than hold it for her.  How men have become so disinterested in offering these gestures.
Couple in black T-shorts and tight jeans
Men will jump in with a perspective that women will say they want chivalry and affection but that it's not the truth.  They will say that when push comes to shove women will want "bad boys" or will choose looks over good character.  And they will cite that a an excuse to not offer chivalry to any woman, saying it's not deserved or reciprocated.

Of course, judging an entire gender by the actions of some subset is unfair to all.  It's true that there are men who will offer chivalry and others who will not.  There are women who will appreciate it and gravitate toward men who offer it and others who are just looking for a hot date with a slick-dressed man in a fast car.