Every so often on my twitter feed I read items from women with a strident tone demanding chivalry, and complaining when it’s missing. To women who feel that way, my advice is to change your perspective so you start attracting more.
The very element of demanding it creates a dynamic that demeans the whole meaning behind it. Chivalry brings with it a statement of a man considering women special and worthy of caring. If all women want is the grunt work of having someone open the door for them or carry their bags or give up the seat on the subway, they are robbing it of the graciousness behind chivalry. Just about any woman I know if fully capable of opening her own door, carrying her own bags and standing on a moving bus or train. So it isn’t the physical need of having that door opened that a lady would want, it’s the meaning behind it.
If the want of chivalry comes across as a demand or expectation, some men react as if that makes men subservient. That’s not a valuable relationship between the genders to have in the long run. Rather than doing things simply because it’s demanded and required of them, the interaction feels richer when men choose to be of service.
Chivalry was never meant to be done by every man. In the middle ages it was a code of conduct for knights who had taken pledges of a higher standard of conduct. In current times, men who aspire to a higher standard of personal conduct make a similar kind of decision: how they will behave overall and whether they will offer chivalry when the opportunity presents itself.
That’s actually advantageous to women. For ladies who are looking for a good man they receive a signal that here’s a gentleman who has made a choice to up his game and stand out from the rest. There likely is more beneath the surface worth exploring than if women made that decision based only on how he’s dressed or how tall and good-looking he is. If a lady is interested in having a relationship with a guy who is considerate and refined, isn’t it great to see some of that already on display and see whether it’s sincere? If chivalry comes just from demand and every guy would do it, how would one separate the wheat from the chaff?
Rather than demand it, women would be better served to seek it, to hope for it, to attract it, to appreciate and cherish it. By making it something to attract, they are energetically letting the universe know the kind of man they want to attract.
There’s also a great difference between demanding and appreciating it. When it’s expected as a requirement, it often becomes easy to diminish it or even forget to acknowledge the graciousness behind it. I’ve seen numerous posts for men who will bemoan the fact that they held the door for several women and heard nary a “thank you.” Those men begin to develop an attitude questioning whether they should even continue. All of us, men or women, want our efforts to be acknowledged. By focusing on making chivalry something that’s a cherished part of a life, that woman will be more inclined to graciously acknowledge it with word and perhaps a smile, a compliment. And putting a smile on the man’s face or giving him a lift in spirit will also benefit the woman by brightening her day too.
So ladies, put the meaning back into chivalry by changing the perspective from what every man is supposed to do into something that classy and caring men you want to attract into your life choose to do. You’ll love what that difference will mean for you.
© 2014, John Rasiej, Bring Chivalry Back